Ripples.......what might have been............

Yet another vacation, an escape from the world I never belonged…
When I was not here, I always felt I was stung with an impulse to batter down the door and run, run, run away from the fear, the implications of evil, the vulgarity of the stranger and the massive frustrating boredom. I wanted to leave all this unfamiliarity, and somehow, (although logic indicated I was nowhere near my own world) find my way home……….

A cold evening, We returned after visiting the temple, My kids were happy, hardly do they get to see those brightly lit temples and enjoy the serenity, Amma was happy, only once a year did she get an opportunity to be so busy with people around her, ……
“Go with Ammamma, I feel like sitting here for a while” , watched them walk with Amma …… “That’s where she always sits, ever since she was of your age” I heard Amma’s soft voice from a distance…………..Did it drizzle or was it the tears from my eyes, I couldn’t really place….. I felt the bruises on my hand….felt the pain….
living not as me, that ached more than those bruises ……….That night as I sat under the tree facing the pond …..I saw the yellow light twinkling on the other end…I could smell the food …..Sheejedathi…… she would be still cooking something there…Will he be there……..Has he come for his vacation too……………


I ran with my little red car to Sheejedthi’s kitchen, Achan bought me that car last year when we went to see pooram, “Stop running around, he is near the pond” she smiled….
we always played snake and ladder under that tree facing his house near the pond…..and when he was about to lose, I would stop the game, I could never see him lose, I did not like it…. “if you don’t complete the game, I win” he would say and I would smile and say “okay” …..
“So what do you want loser”…….
“Sunflowers” I yelled and ran to the other side of the pond…... he could never run, metal foot steps, that’s how I would know he is around………

He would shout back, “Ill get you one when you come next time”…

He never got me sunflower; never all these years………..Would he remember the count of sunflowers he owes me…..

He got new metal foot, it helped him walk faster, we still met under the tree near the pond facing his house, “I have got admission for journalism, ill be leaving next week”…I said……he smiled…...
I knew he would leave before me to Ahemedabad, he deserved it, his hard work paid off finally…….…… He showed me the play board, the same snake and ladder board……..we once played with. We opened the board and lay it on the green grass, I asked,
“What do I get if I lose?”
He smiled , stroke on my forehead and said “Sunflowers, Budhu”…





I lost again….we sat on that green grass talking about everything under the sun…and a thousand unspoken words ………….Till the sun left us we were together…………….He left the next day.........

He became a memory after few years, Few letters and a New Year card and a Birthday wish and after some time it was words about Northern Europe and his achievements from Amma and Sheejedathi when I visited home for my vacations……….
still I never wanted to “Win” against him.
I kept wondering why I enjoyed losing to him, did I pity him, or as I pitied him, I pitied myself, for my sympathy now tied me to him more effectively than any possible dedication……………………

Metal foot steps, I could hear them again, I still could recognise those foot steps…. “Manuetta”…..I whispered ………as I turned back
A little girl stood next to him holding his fingers…"Pappa can I play with Meenu and Ajuettan", the kid ran towards my house…….
He sat next to me…..A few grays, a few extra pounds and a spectacle…did anything else change………a different metal on his leg …it looked much closer to a normal leg now.

“How is every one at home?” he asked
“Fine”
“How long are you here?”
“Two more weeks…… when are you leaving?"
“Next week”……… ……. You look the same…..” he pushed aside my flying hair………………. “It's been some time since we………….” He did not complete………….

…….quite some TIME …. … Or he couldn’t know, I have been never taught to tell the time of his world nor understand the names of days and months. ……..
Silence spoke aloud that evening …….
Occasionally he would glance at me, curiously smiling to reassure me. Once or twice after some thought struck him, he inhaled as if to speak, caught himself and compressed his lips impatiently….
He took my hand in his….
“Raaji, I could never get you your sunflowers……………..33 sunflowers…………” he whispered looking at the horizon………
I clutched at him and nearly wept for the unexpected comfort of his first rational words. A deep feeling of joy, gratitude, respect and love flooded me.
I had been too long denied a normal society, The bruises abruptly lost their aches ………………




I look back on that bizarre evening of ours as one of the happiest moments of life…..To have found a friend, again, to be companionable with another human………

School Days- 1

It was an afternoon of the first week in class 10th and Ms.Farmida, our class teacher was to announce what groups everyone belonged to… Madhu looked at me from the other corner of the Classroom …and I Looked back at her ………….both of us were thinking the same thing .. At least this year we should be in the same group….being in the same group meant fun , do assignments together, No competitions for Poem reciting , pick and speech, Culturals………….we could be together all the time.

"Which Group " was the hot topic during lunch break that afternoon…, Smithu kept praying that she should not be in the same group as I , because that meant trouble…. This year I would be leading whatever group I would be in………..so all the younger class girls who belonged to the same group had to work together during cultural day ……she was tired of my bullying at home…not any more at school………

At Lunch,Madhu's younger sister Shubha asked, "Maduakka, which group do you want to be in", Madhu smiled and said…whatever group Pree is in….We should be together……We hugged each other and smiled….
Shubha turned to me and asked "what group you want to be in"…."Sunflower"…I had no second thoughts…….
Bluebells, Roses, Lotus, Lillies, Jasmine….I never liked any of those groups…or flowers…….I liked sunflower……….






Imagining Sunflowers always brought a smile…….may be because as a kid I have seen sunflower fields on the way to Kerala during our summer vacations…those long bus journeys to Ammamma's place….. I would be awake till I saw those sunflower fields and then I would fall asleep and would wake up seeing Acha untying the water bottle that was hung to the seat and amma pulling out the luggage from the rack above my head…..
Do not know if it’s a coincidence….. Sunflowers have been around all the time in my life…………..
The prayer song that I loved in my school had sunflowers in it ……
"Like a sunflower,
that follows every moment of the sun…..
so I turn towards you, to follow you , my Lord"……….I loved when Sister Canesia sang that song in the chapel…
The first painting I did was of a sunflower, I had sunflower shaped hairclips, How I loved them…..
The first birthday card I got from a friend (Madhuri) in class 3rd was of a sunflower, I could go on….
First bunch of flowers that I got from someone I thought was special was of sunflowers……and now I have in my living room a flowerpot filled with sunflowers made of cloth ……I don’t have to worry and fear that they will dry some day…
And wait don't I even cook with sunflower oil……..:)

Coming back to that hot afternoon when we waited to know which group we belonged to ……it was the last period of the day, and we were all made to count numbers from 1 to 6, and it was my turn now, "2" I called out……….and after sometime it was Madhus turn, "3" she called out.
I knew it already, Lavanya was absent that day, if she was present, I should have been "3" too…………..
Everyone finished calling out the numbers , now Ms Formida said to the class, All 1's Roses, All 2's Sunflowers, all 3's Lilles, all 4's Bluebells………………. Again this year, I and Madhu were not in the same group………
There was lot of hush hush in the Class, then mam said, Roses …… Tracy would be the head, bluebells………Nidhi would be the head, Lillies……Madhu would be the head, Sunflower....... Preetha would be the head……… All the leads were given badges with their respective flower symbol…

Again, Madhu looked at me from the other corner of the room and I looked at her back………..were we happy or sad………it was a mixed emotions…….I did get into the sunflower group again, But my best friend was not in my group………..






The long bell rang and we packed our heavy bags and stepped out of the class room. Waved Annamma Chechi a good bye and walked towards the cycle stand holding each others hand..……..
Both of us did not speak….When we reached the cycle stand Madhu Whispered in my ears, We would be in the same group in college………we will be….and we smiled…….


Smithu came running to me and said………"Chech, am in "Sunflower Group, and You will be our leader ………." I hugged her and took her bag and hung it on the handle and pulled out my "Hero Hansa"…….

A deep dark night

After a hectic week at work, I was all in mood to relax and have a laidback weekend. Friday when I got back home, it was late in the evening and drizzling, bad day for a walk by the lake, I pondered, what should I do, just go and sleep, did not feel like eating, it is boring to cook and eat alone, so no cooking. now what……

I called home and checked on them. Calling home and talking to Amma is a usual to me. If I don’t call and speak to them, I feel like" I did not do my homework! ". Some sort of a worry that I did not do what I need to do…many have asked me , what happens if you don’t call them one day, nothing is going to change?, what do you talk everyday?…., but knowing me, I couldn’t pass a day without talking to Amma and Achan.

Just when I was deciding to hit the bed really early, there was a knock on my door, it was my friend. I was happy when I opened the door and invited him in. …we spoke in length about books, Home, and many things happening around and finally decided to see a movie. I never had the courage to watch that movie alone; it is supposedly a scary movie or rather a weirdo movie, so had just seen the first bit of it and ended it there, now that I had company, I talked him into watching that movie. All said and done, I got upset (let me not use the word scared) a number of times, because of the weirdo background music they had every time something crazy was to happen. Finally, it was all over, blood and death and what not…..Thank god, it was over…and the toughest of the time was yet to come…being alone on a dark night after a horrible movie.

I laid awake on my bed for a long time thinking how I felt long back after watching “Manichitrataazh”,I was even scared to walk alone to the dining room to fetch a glass of water after 7.00 in the evening. I think I was in my 9th grade when that movie got released and even now when I go to Kerala my cousins tease me with that song" oru murai vand ".

Once during Pooja holidays we were in Thrissur and Rekhus Smithu and I walked to the temple to keep our books for Pooja. (It is a tradition in Kerala and for those of you who do not know, once your books are kept for pooja, you don’t have to study or even touch the book until Vidhyarambam day). By the time we got out of the temple, it was a little dusky.I was the eldest among the three and it was my responsibility to take the other two home safe. As we walked suddenly, wind blew strongly and we heard a thunder, we held each others hand and ran till we reached home. I had hugged Amma and slept the whole night, That was me……….. Years have passed but I still remain the same …Happy and bold during the day and scared like a kid during dark windy nights….

I stared at the darkness through the sliding door of my room and heard the wind blow , a wolf like howl, it added to my fear. Its just wind , just wind….. I told myself a thousand times, I did not have the courage to go and pull down the blind…for a long time , I sat on my bed with wide opened eyes and my mind somehow raced to the biology lab of my school. We had a human skeleton in there, leaning forward as though ready to grab down with those fingers which I never had the courage to look at throughout my schooling., and he (Some how I thought it was a male) had a cunning smile standing there in a glass cage... it always brought shivers to me.....I called it Rengaswamy’s skeleton.

Rengaswamy used to be a tailor near our place whom I was scared to go to , every time I had to stitch my school uniform Achan used to take me there and I used to hate the sight of him, it was an unknown fear, may be because he was a well built huge man, or he had a very cruel voice which scared me as a kid……He died when I was in 5th grade or so. That news had made me happy. Death then to me was someone just disappearing from your surroundings , Rekhus death changed the meaning of death to me….Its only after her death that I realized what the value of life is and what a wonderful gift it is to be “Living”.


The first time I saw Rengaswamys skeleton was when I walked to meet my Sanskrit teacher when I was in the 7th grade and I panicked and got down the stairs and ran back to my class room, and later had to ask Madhu to accompany me. His chamber was right next to this biology lab and I used to bend my head and walk till I entered his room…I loved biology classes except for the part of going into the lab, I ensured I never sat next to that cage of Rengaswamy. When I was in my 9th grade , my class room was next to the biology lab and whenever the lab doors were open , Madhu used to warn me that its open………and I used to walk straight into the class room without even looking anywhere.

I realized I have never seen a skeleton after my school for real, My parents and friends used to make fun of me when I told them that I wanted to be a Doctor, and today I thank heavens that am not one, I would have passed out in one of those labs for sure…….

I stared into the night and drowned into fear, and thoughts bled into me from all the unwanted horror stuffs I have seen during the past and to top it all , the scary empty dark night, a deep dark night again ..........heard and forgotten memories of horrible nights came rushing into my mind………I started to see in that dim glow shadows of god knows who…. Storm kept howling fiercely, I prayed it should be dawn soon,

I tried hard to sleep..... recalled what Achan used to say to me when I used to be worried about something, all bad things that happen will soon be past, with all the ” wonder hows?” and “why me’s?” and “why now’s?” Night will soon be past and the sun would rise tomorrow and bring brand new day …
I started telling the little prayer Amma thought me as a kid.. Aalathur Hanumaney, pedi swapnam kaataruthe.pedi swapnam kandaalo Valu kondu thattiyunarthane……

All the way..............in your steps.

Ever since he flew to a different land, a "Tring Tring" was all I wanted to hear...
I would run and pick the receiver only to know that its not him and see a teasing smile from Achan and Amma...Achan never scolded for any of my acts ...Amma did at times..."that kids only job is not to make calls to you" she often said...I pretended I did not hear that....
The day after he left was the first time I waited so desperately looking at the phone, Please call...please call...I kept looking at the phone every other second ....why doesn’t it ring........ Why is the phone not ringing........ “How long is the flight usually Acha? …
It’s been almost 23 hours now…has he not reached yet?” that was the 6th time I asked Achan the same thing and he just did not reply this time……

One thousand times I picked up the receiver and checked for the dial tone, no,its not dead, then why…I was almost in tears…….its been almost 3 hrs since I started sitting next to the phone..

Amma passed by several times and called me for breakfast, I just did not want to move …did he forget to call me and say that he reached safe…should I call his parents and check....I started dialing 515.............no I wont…what if he is trying to reach and it's engaged…..I had already created a scene at the airport, I didn’t want to put myself in a stupid situation again....

Amma had told me 1000 time’s not to go to send him off, ……I left to the airport assuring Amma that I wont breakdown... But when I saw him walking towards the gate, it hit me hard that everything is going change from now on...
"All those little nothings that was between us would go away..
No more crazy travel plans,
No more bullying each other,
No more tears one second and laughter the next second
No more hour long talks on phone
No more teasing each other
No more Fights for nothing
No more seeing heaven even when we were blind in hell"

“What would I do without you my friend….??? “ and tears rolled down uncontrollably

Minutes flew and then finally the phone rang, and I picked it up before even it rang a full ring.

"Hello.....
"Hey Preeths................Flight was delayed re…………………………………............"
"so what are you up to there?"......."Tell him to collect my books and give it to my brother!" "give her my cards", "don’t forget to mail his number", "mail me" .."Inform the rest of the gang" ……."and note my number" "take care soda buddi"...and then he dropped the call…………….

I couldn’t stop sobbing after I kept the receiver ……………I did not want to cry ….why am I so sad?…………he did cal !!!………….now why am I sad?…………..I wept……..not knowing why…………….

Achan came and sat next to me and put his arms around me ..I was Dad’s little girl again…… A 20 year old me felt like a 5 year old that day ……………I rested my head on Achan’s shoulders and listened to what he was saying as I sobbed...





“Your friend has left to a different country to make a better person out of him. To make it big...you should be happy about it and not sad... People come into your life and walk away, but all the good memories stay back, Relish the past and live the day..."
Achan has always been good at consoling me, he knew exactly what to tell me …..Always………………I wonder what I would have done without you Acha………….your voice is always the whisper to me that says “I will have to move on...life does not stop .....”