It wont be long....

It wont be long now, My heart pounds...50 more days to go...
I stare at the empty room that would soon belong to you too...

every time I feel your tiny moves my little angel ….
I want everything to be ready, do all that I can to fulfill all your needs...
your tiny little clothes..your crib....get all the comforts to keep you in bliss.

It wont be long now...when I would hold you in my arms
give you my little one, huge hugs and lots of kisses...
Cuddle you and tickle your feet....

It wont be long, My dream will soon come true...
I ll have you by my side my precious, to fill my heart to brim...

le plaisir de savoir........Sigh!!!

It’s an odd thing about love.
When someone you love cries, your heart melts.
But when someone you don’t love cries, you look at them and think why are you telling me this...
That’s how I felt at seeing him cry: Nothing.
I felt nothing at all except rage at his presumption that he could always keep me in dark...........

Fragment-III

She saw it again ….....of choking, of those familiar hands clasping her face, covering her mouth...She wanted to scream …..but no sound would comeout........scared...held captive in a dark corner with no place to move or cover her....she struggled...she prayed for those hands to not harm her...she prayed in the darkness not knowing whom to call ….but nothing would change ….she remained captive...in that dark corner....with only the buzz of the fan.....nothing would ever change....

Perspiring she got up...She could see these images even when she was wide awake...

she thought to herself.....She had a very fragile psyche ...she couldn't cope his ways.....May be a woman has to have a streak of toughness to cope with his life......
She prayed for it..the toughness..the resilience, the strength, the will and capability to bounce back....for all the qualities she possessed before she had fallen in love....

Why a mountaineer wants to climb mount everest.....She perhaps asked a wrong question...
because its there to climb, to conquer.... She did understand that ….but that understanding did not make it any easier to accept....At least not for her....
She loved him, worshiped the ground he walks on....but it had to stay an arm's length .....she decided thats the only way she could handle it, loving him the way she does....
she crossed a hundred times in her mind she wouldn't want to expose herself to all the pain again...
Her love was rather obsessive, and possessive...which he could never appreciate nor understand
She had built her life around him, made him the be-all and end–all of it, the center of her existence.
Not healthy. For anyone concerned.
She probably realized this, and she left him alone, to save herself in a sense........for she loved him far too much.....

Fragment-II

He moved closer to her and asked " whats wrong...why do u look so pale? "

She swallowed the lump in her throat and said in a low tone "Things are not right between us anymore. You are always away, detached. You don't share your life with me. You shut me out...In fact you have shut me long back” As her pent up rage flooded she began to shake uncontrollably and clung back to the bed to support herself.

“I have never shut you out!” He protested his face livid “You are not interested in my passions, thats why I don't discuss it with you . It bores you. It always had. I do my level best to be with you as much as I can . You don't want to travel with me, because you cant take the pace and the environment in which I travel, it exhausts you ..What in gods name do you want from me?”

She did not answer.

“You know I love you” he said softening his voice and his manner. Moving closer to her. "I have only loved you . You are the only one I have ever wanted. I try to show you how I Feel in every way . .You wanted a better apartment , we moved out...you want things your way...I don't even interfere....what else more do I do? He murmured placatingly , his smile loving and looked at her , that puzzled look ,he smiled, with his charming lopsided smile...

She felt something cracking and splintering inside her, and she reached out to hold on to the pillows stuffed on her bed...“I don't want your riches” She cried. “ I din't want mere a title of being your wife.." losing control , she screamed and wept "I don't want any of these things” and pushed aside whatever came into her hand...

He flinched and drew back...
He felt a terrible coldness..He genuinely had no idea what this was all about ….what had triggered it.. All he knew , at that moment was he had to get out into the fresh air..he felt the bile rising in his throat …............
Without uttering another word , he turned and walked out slamming the door behind him...

“ I only want you ! Thats what I meant! I only want you ! Your time! Nothing else matters to me!” she shouted after him , staring at the door.

But he did not come back, She threw herself on the bed and began to sob, repeating over and over again “I only want you..I only want you”.
But he did not hear.

Fragment - I

She was shaking so much that she could barely unlock the door...after she had done so she stumbled in front of the mirror of her bedroom and looked at herself.....She saw the panic in her eyes, her grim mouth , and strained expression...........blinded by insane jealousy , anger and hurt , she could see nothing as it truly was...all she could think about was his neglect of her, his protracted absences, his preoccupation with his work and his detached attitude to her well- being....She broke out in another cold sweat and sat still on her bed...

'I love him too much' she thought. He is my whole existence, but I am only part of his, just a fraction of it, and thats the basic problem....Tears came into her eyes and she strove hard to push them back , peering herself in the mirror again......... “Perhaps there is something wrong with me...Not perhaps, There is . I 'm Sick . I am sick with love. For him.”

She recalled the phrase she had once read “ my beloved is mine and I am his” except that he is not mine, not anymore, She thought. Even though Iam his and will always be his...'oh, why couldn't he have been just an ordinary man? Why did he have to be this multi talented genius, so much daring?....and god knows what not!!!...'

She sighed slowly and tears trickled down her cheeks. She wanted their relation to be the way it had been in the beginning. She wanted all of him, But that was not possible, Because he could not give all of himself to her....
She thought “I cant go on like this. I have to do something . I cant stand the pain of loving him”

Remembering her promise to herself, she pulled herself together as best as she could, took a deep breath , managed to regain her composure , and sat still...

Few hours later... “Hey Honey...you ok..you don't look all that good” he pulled off his shirt and draped it on the back of a chair...

She sat staring at the other side of the bedroom..She loved him so much ..But it was not to be. She was losing him. Just as she had known when they first met long ago that it was destiny to be together, So she knew that it was their destiny to part...Que sera sera...what will be will be...

You may be gone...but your words are still in the hearts.....

From Nani - Old play house and other Poems- Kamala Das...

They are lucky
Who ask questions and move on before the answers come,
those wise ones who reside
In a blue, silent zone, unscratched by doubts
For theirs is the clotted peace embedded
In life, like music in the Koel's egg.
Like lust in the blood or like the sap in a tree ...

I helplessly looked at the TV flashing news of the death of a soul
who believed within oneself, one is ageless. .........
Who spoke volumes through her words.....
who stood by her ways no matter how much others scorned or criticized....

A legend is gone.....

making a long story short....

"It ended up being such a short conversation" ........
the thought as the footsteps increased between them.......
tears starting to gather in the eyes......

Sometimes you just longed desperately to detain somebody, needing their understanding, the warmth ,the friendship and the Love so much more.....

May the days ahead sparkle with laughter...Happy Vishu

-Preetha & Sandeep.

I - the Lassitude

Early hour thoughts...
As the world swings right and left with the financial crisis, The I in me seem to have lost the hand on myself; trying to get to the root of the personal crisis that always threatened to engulf me!
Standing alone with the thoughts I was not surprised by the tightness that raised in my throat, the way my eyes smarted...
Are little things too much to expect for..........may be YES, being such a princess of a girl who could never get satisfied with anything!
Resolutely pushing back this rush of emotion, I stood up and walked out..
The melancholy that had beset me in the early hours still persisted , and now to make matters worse , I found myself dwelling on the past.
What to do? Where to go?
I did have a variety of choices, yet none appealed.

There were too many things that people could envy about me, and I was indeed proud of all that I possessed...still none of it now filled the terrible void I felt....and then my work, the most enduring of all my passions, my great pleasure and triumph was beginning to pall on me...
The idea was insupportable. In truth , it frightened the hell of me.

Well, I said to myself “Your bottom line at the moment appalling -'Dismal' in fact. You are in the red on every personal level …..an emotional bankrupt”.
Well...a feeble attempt at humor did not lessen the misery. I had become a deeply unhappy women, that was the crux of it.
But then , Had not happiness been an elusive stranger-transient at best – for the better part of my life?

I tried to think , When it might have been that I had felt happy, and a cynical laugh rose in my throat, Happy- what an overworked word that was. Who the hell is happy?- at least for very long ,anyway. The fortunate people I knew seemed content, or to have gained certain kind of peace, but could they be called happy?

Couple of days out...would that change things...??? Probably, I would be able to indulge myself to that rare commodity- Solitude – and try to sort out my thoughts. Could listen to music...take a long walk somewhere...and may be endeavor to bring a semblance of order to the chaos in my head, and heart..

Ethereal........

My Man,..
I wonder so much at times if I would ever know him...its so hard to read him accurately...

To be a wife...they say the woman becomes the right hand to the Man...but most of the times I wouldn't know what his left hand is doing!!!
Perhaps its the contradictions, the unexpected in him, that I find so fascinating – and irresistible...

Times like these ...when he is busy explaining to me the algorithms he just wrote , I sit looking at him, listening to his voice, savoring his company... ….

times like these is when I fall completely under his spell as a woman...
He is the the most lethally attractive man I could ever meet...

Its not about his face or looks, its about his powerful dark gaze, his elegance and distinction, its the enigma in him...there is something deeply mysterious about him...at some other level,may be its the intellect, the brains , the drive, the energy, the ambition …............or may be its the deadly combination of all that together spelled " power"...

And ' power' does excite me... an extraordinary aphrodisiac like no other I had ever known...

My Man!!, whom I think has the world under his feet!!! …...
ahemmm... what ever on world is happening to me!!!