Shilly Shally Damselfly

The sunlight after the chill night felt like heaven, the power of that view was undeniable, I could see Central park spread out below me, dotted with people and trees, with their leaves turning orange and gold ....The stretch of high rises in the distance. Then the river, Then New Jersey...

He lives in New Jersey, I heard myself saying...........

Suddenly it felt like there was just me and the sadness, but even that did not feel heavy just then, it just felt there, like my nose, like the scar over my arm I got from picking at a chickenpox scab when I was seven.....Just another part of me.....

We adored each other once. I remembered it. I had a handful of mental pictures, postcards that had gotten soft around the edges from being handled so often...

The phone in the room rang...
“Your cab to airport will arrive in 15 min. Have a great morning” a women from the front desk announced.
“Sure..thanks much..good day “ I placed the receiver back and moved back to the window..

Mind wandered again....

We stared at each other .......I waited. I waited for an apology, an explanation, something that could make sense of whatever happened....Nothing came....After a moment of awkward silence he walked out of the room, and I was left alone, hoping this was a phase, a fling, a bad dream even.

No such luck.
The distance had arrived for good!

May be I should start thinking that these things happen to me because I am strong enough to take them....
I pulled the door and moved out to the reception

When was the last time I saw him, I tried to remember ....it was fall again..We had gone for a walk around the block, Half way back it had started to snow..Unexpectedly...
his first snow...
and we both stood, holding hands with our eyes shut and our mouths wide open, feeling the flakes like tiny wet kisses on our cheeks, long after everyone went inside.

I closed my eyes against the memory..

The cab barrelled down the New Jersey Turnpike at eighty miles an hour, right past the exit that would take me to his door...I tapped two of my fingers against the window as we sped past.
Hello and Good Bye!

Eighty Six!!!!

....God !!!dont you hate that....!!!The way even completly unrelated things remind you of something you are trying to forget!!!

A Step towards a hope called Survival

“Should I call him poo”...anju fidled with her Cell

“ ‘Mommy my girl sneezed’
‘mom my girl coughed’
‘mamma can we buy a new TV at home’..blah blah blah
Anju how can you still say you are in love with such a mamma’s boy...ahhhh...I just don’t understand you !!!”

“I don’t have an answer.... All I wish now is if only I could talk to him Poo.......”

Pooja brushed her shoulder propped her head on an elbow and stared down at Anju from her perch... "who your Mr Nice Guy??”...she smiled...and squinted at Anju...

“Poooo...No, Not him.......you know who.....”

“ Hari!!! I don’t get it.....After all that happened!! You still miss and long for him.!!!I just don’t get it Anju!!!”

Anjali and Pooja have been friends from the time both could remember ....This was a day to laugh and be merry, a day all for themselves at the Spa where they were a regular.... they had taken a vow to not discuss their life for the day which for now was flying like a kite without a master up in the sky.....still ...Anju couldn’t take her mind off Hari...

“What if ....Anju said slowly...what if I took a wrong decision of staying detached???...what if I die of loneliness all my life...what if we can never be together ever....what if life ends fighting over some petty ego clashes............???”

Poo sighed ..“girlie, I listened to you for months talk about how things weren’t right , how things weren’t getting better , how you knew that taking a break would be the right thing in the long run... and even though you were upset right after it happened , I never heard you say that you made a wrong decision ... I mean how can you forget all that and think otherwise.....”

“I just donno poo...What if I have started thinking differently now....”

“Well what changed your mind....reason it out...You found him lazy, immature and a slob and you told me three months ago on this very bench that forget his madness, if he left one more used piece of cloth on your bed you would kill him and leave his body on some local transit....”

Anju winced ...She couldn’t remember telling that line exactly, but it sure sounded like something she would say....She paused for some time for her answer...

“May be we never spoke to each other..... may be if he had some sense of how I felt, If I had some inkling of how much he understood me...maybe things could have been different....”

Poo waved her hand in the air and said....“ look none of them sound appealing to me for you to go begging back to him....you have taken a decision stick to it..life is long and beautiful...am sure wonderful things would happen ...all you need now is time for yourself and nothing else...”

She walked up to her best friend and held her hand...

“And if you called him what would you say” ...she continued.... “Hi, How are you...planning on humiliating me again anytime soon?”
“Don’t call him” ,She said........“I know you feel awful right now , but you will get through it , you will survive...I just don’t want you to go through everything all over again...you have had enough and more...Get into your routine from tomorrow...rather right from now....nobody is worth so much of your time.....do you understand!!!!”

Anju nodded and smiled back at her....“Thank you Gloria Gaynor!!! ”...she grumbled ...and went to take a shower...

Later that night when Anju was back in her room after a dashing day out with her Best Friend she wrote in her diary..what is that I missed so much......’I miss talking to him on how my day went, I miss blowing off steam about Boss’s latest salvos..I miss lying on his shoulders and not uttering a word for hours ......I Just miss him...Even after what he did to me...even after realising that he doesn’t find me lovable nor desirable......
Is the thought of a lonely life that is scaring me.....or is it that I really miss him....is he replaceable deep within my heart....”

She closed her diary and was about to hit the bed when her cell phone blinked with a new message ....she hit open and read “We miss you here....give a buzz when you are free...therez tons to talk...Cya Soon” She sighed and smiled as she pulled her blanket....“I will survive” still playing loud in her mind.

Little Nothings....

I wish I was a little girl-

The kind whose parents still read stories to her at bed time...

and held hands when she crossed the streets...

Our pride..."Abhimaan"

He gives my days a rhythm and a purpose...

His smiles makes me feel every morning is a celebration....

What more should I say....

He rescued me ;Keeps me from being lonely....

Honest Tag !

Jina tagged me with this Honest scrap tag long ago …..and girlie, it took a really long time to unwrap the wedding gift you gave us :) :P:P ...Sorry

Am supposed to do this as per tag rule!!! ;)
About Jina's blog ..Been a regular for a while now at her blog and I awe at the way she puts across her wide experiences in her blog...You go Girl !! :)

On to the Tag!

“This award is bestowed upon a fellow blogger whose blog’s content or design is, in the giver’s opinion, brilliant.”

“When accepting this auspicious award, you must write a post bragging about it, including the name of the misguided soul who thinks you deserve such acclaim, and link back to the said person so everyone knows she/he is real. Choose a minimum of seven (7) blogs that you find brilliant in content or design. Or improvise by including bloggers who have no idea who you are because you don’t have seven friends. Show the seven random victims’ names and links and leave a harassing comment informing them that they were prized with Honest Weblog. Well, there’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon. List at least ten (10) honest things about yourself. Then pass it on!”

I thought I could easily write 10 honest things on a lunch break and finish it off...but trust me I had to literally drain my brain to reach till 10 :)
here it goes the TAG!!!

1. I stay away from Hospitals and Doctors.....the thought of getting a shot terrifies me.....most often people who accompany me to the doctor get embarrassed of having done it...and probably swear not to do it again!!!
2. I thought I was good at chess, I had beaten many at school and college. Ever since I started playing chess @gameknot.com I’ve realised I’m just crap!!!
3. Since I just cannot sing...never have got a tune right for the life of me...I try to compensate by listening to music...Not so long back , not a a single day would pass without listening to music , but last one year umpteen no of days have gone without hearing any melody...wonder whats stuck me!! Marriage's changed me from Geeta to Seeta I guess ;P!!!
4. Sports gets me bored quickly...I could get bored to death if someone spoke to me about sports except for my hubby dear and his cricket and tennis interests......
5. I really am not a morning person (people, please stop scheduling those yoga and dance classes for 7 am). It takes at least an half-n-hour session of wake up calls, pampering / kicks etc for my brain to start semi-functioning.
6. I generally read several books at once. I keep one in the office as well so that I can take mini breaks with a one or two page read as and when time permits....No, my boss has no clue about it ;)
7. I am an extremely emotional person.... to the brink of neurosis. I find nothing so allaying as a good cry (though generally in private) which never happens these days !!! (people claim they baby sit me these days so they get to know everything!!
8. I try to keep everything organized,In place and try to plan things ahead...thanks to my husband I am never called a perfectionist...makes sense huh!!!
9. I don't do this anymore, but it wasn't that long ago that I did. Whenever Iam reading a book I used to pretend that I had this long straight hair and I would role and role strands of hair into a thick curl using my finger...... It passed with the time is what I say ...and I can hear my husband shouting "you still do that"!!!
10. I dream to live by a lake or river...in fact right on the banks of Bharathapuzha...with my own little boat .....A lake side home...acres of land ..blah blah blah....wouldn't be possible till I fall on some hidden treasure or hit a jackpot ....or husband dear gets richy rich overnight :)
    
    Rule is to pass on the tag!! ..... am pretty sure most of them would have already done it...
    so who ever is interested please pick it up and zoom on !! :)