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Monday, August 5, 2019

A Hundred Speculations....and more...

You ask me to pen again.... There is so much to say.
Words keep coming to me and bombarding, I fail to understand what they mean to me…
Memories that had been treasured passively is vivacious again..... It's like a door that had been closed for 10 winters’s creaked open.

You have been the only privacy of my life.
My feelings about and for you are the only things that I wanted to hide from the world, and this is why undoubtedly I had locked my words.
Illegitimate was the word for me with you….
And to those whom I believed knew, a smile wrapped with humility was all I could give in return.
I wanted to put down all the feelings into words dispassionately…I have whispered this under my breath a thousand times…and each time its like I am more confused than before…and all I could do was to hide away behind a mantle of silence…..donno when amidst that silence, I started finding solace-sitting at my little gilt desk and writing a few words from time to time….

Probably it was better to travel with hope than to arrive at the destination….
For Now, Nothing to me is really known.
Facts can all be denied, or manufactured by the million. There is no reality worth embracing…and for me at least, no embrace that is real…Even when I dream of you taking me into your strong arms, which is the safest place I know on this earth or the next world for that matter……..
I will always doubt the reality of truth or the falseness of lies, because so many of the lies that I have lived through have been the truth, and so many of the things that I pretended to myself to be real have been lies.
So virtually everything that I have shown to the world outside of my own private world has been what? False, Truth, I donno.

I have allowed no outsider to see even a part of what I, in my madness for privacy, know to be the truth of myself.
Have I, or am I such a mystery, to those who have tried to penetrate the bastions of my boorishly –protected privacy?
Silence-Doors they were, to hide myself from the dark embarrassment and guilt of past…of pain, of not being legitimate. But silence too overflows with thoughts…rather with words. Now I worry…if even my thoughts would be heard aloud.....
I would love to leave the subject in the air, which perhaps may be the most distasteful thing to do....But, where should I draw the line to my thoughts....
For, I have a hundred speculations…A hundred different things…

Amidst all this I know,I pray and I believe that I have your love, all tightly packed, warm and safe, all for me, for now and for a hundred more births….

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

congrats on the 100th post, sweeto :)

i can see the emotions pouring out, since its been held up for a while now. can we have more posts more often??

and yeah ... the pray is surely granted ;-)

1:35 PM GMT+5:30  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Was wondering how long the wait would be...
What should be said..."worth the wait"
Transmits a new meaning each time I read those lines....
When you can’t make head or tail of thoughts…. Leave them as some collective worthless thoughts...that’s the best probably one can do...again may be a distasteful proposition!!!

4:31 PM GMT+5:30  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

and ohh!! Congratz on that milestone :)

4:33 PM GMT+5:30  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice Pics.
but the text was difficult to understand....
must be about something specific...or is it generic?

3:52 PM GMT+5:30  
Blogger Rejil Krishnan said...

Echi..what more in this world do u need than a single soul cares for u, forever with the same fervor he had from those initial days of erupting passion, love n care...
u r lucky and i pray it remains so till the time the world remains..:)
blogged after a lng time...isnt/
and the best loved sentence is ..."Probably it was better to travel with hope than to arrive at the destination" ..the oly thing tht propels life forward for all..once destination is reached, whats new...nothing wil's monotony !! :) i loved the post

1:43 PM GMT+5:30  

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