A Hundred Speculations....and more...

You ask me to pen again.... There is so much to say.
Words keep coming to me and bombarding, I fail to understand what they mean to me…
Memories that had been treasured passively is vivacious again..... It's like a door that had been closed for 10 winters’s creaked open.

You have been the only privacy of my life.
My feelings about and for you are the only things that I wanted to hide from the world, and this is why undoubtedly I had locked my words.
Illegitimate was the word for me with you….
And to those whom I believed knew, a smile wrapped with humility was all I could give in return.
I wanted to put down all the feelings into words dispassionately…I have whispered this under my breath a thousand times…and each time its like I am more confused than before…and all I could do was to hide away behind a mantle of silence…..donno when amidst that silence, I started finding solace-sitting at my little gilt desk and writing a few words from time to time….


Probably it was better to travel with hope than to arrive at the destination….
For Now, Nothing to me is really known.
Facts can all be denied, or manufactured by the million. There is no reality worth embracing…and for me at least, no embrace that is real…Even when I dream of you taking me into your strong arms, which is the safest place I know on this earth or the next world for that matter……..
I will always doubt the reality of truth or the falseness of lies, because so many of the lies that I have lived through have been the truth, and so many of the things that I pretended to myself to be real have been lies.
So virtually everything that I have shown to the world outside of my own private world has been what? False, Truth, I donno.

I have allowed no outsider to see even a part of what I, in my madness for privacy, know to be the truth of myself.
Have I, or am I such a mystery, to those who have tried to penetrate the bastions of my boorishly –protected privacy?
Silence-Doors they were, to hide myself from the dark embarrassment and guilt of past…of pain, of not being legitimate. But silence too overflows with thoughts…rather with words. Now I worry…if even my thoughts would be heard aloud.....
I would love to leave the subject in the air, which perhaps may be the most distasteful thing to do....But, where should I draw the line to my thoughts....
For, I have a hundred speculations…A hundred different things…

Amidst all this I know,I pray and I believe that I have your love, all tightly packed, warm and safe, all for me, for now and for a hundred more births….

making a long story short....

"It ended up being such a short conversation" ........
the thought as the footsteps increased between them.......
tears starting to gather in the eyes......

Sometimes you just longed desperately to detain somebody, needing their understanding, the warmth ,the friendship and the Love so much more.....

le plaisir de savoir........Sigh!!!

/

o

It wont be long....

It wont be long now, My heart pounds...50 more days to go...
I stare at the empty room that would soon belong to you too...

every time I feel your tiny moves my little angel ….
I want everything to be ready, do all that I can to fulfill all your needs...
your tiny little clothes..your crib....get all the comforts to keep you in bliss.

It wont be long now...when I would hold you in my arms
give you my little one, huge hugs and lots of kisses...
Cuddle you and tickle your feet....

It wont be long, My dream will soon come true...
I ll have you by my side my precious, to fill my heart to brim...

Beautifully… Unexpectedly…. True?

The stones on the ring winked at me as if they shared the secret happiness…..

Secret Happiness... Our Little nothings……….

I couldn’t help pinching myself now and then because nothing–nothing this good in life ever lasted long.
I had to remind myself to just enjoy it, and every time there was a little hitch, I half expected the whole thing to come tumbling down.

But it hadn’t………………. At least not yet.

On your Marks,Get Set Go!!!!!

She filled herself with unspoken accusations ……everyone took the center stage but her….so she made herself rigid, she never wanted to take a step back and see what situation she was in… …. …Mystification overshadowed all her questions …. But if she had to make a choice???……..Well, there was no choice..… Adapt or Atrophy ….and that got into her routine…and darn! She actually did pretty well.

Call it her smugness, as a girl she always needed to know the lay of the land before she threw herself into the fray. Building relationships took time….But !!!!!…An unexpected blessing from an unlikely place- something that she stumbled upon when she had decided its never going to come her way … He taught her the little wants of life and added to her little fantasies…He was a good person she knew, but not a saint….did they call it a lie if you actually lied to yourself???….. There would be more to it …only time would tell… no clock ticked, yet she heard one in her head…

She really did not know what to make out of him, he was so unpredictable well, undecipherable rather, she couldn’t ignore him, nor could she keep distance….but with all the odds, most important she was happy; she finally felt she belonged somewhere, with someone. If there was a cloud above number nine, she was on that. She wanted more out of life- she learnt as many of us do, that something amazing happens when you become someone else’s. A joy no one can fully comprehend until it’s personal.

He brought such light to her life, had shown her a different path without knowing the impact he was having.…..but then, hoping against all hopes she wanted him to stay in her life. Opinions were one thing but decisions without discussions are another…. What she did not know was that there was a lot of water under this particular bridge…………“A Fairy Tale, NO” his voice and her heart beats pounded in her ears.She hadn’t known what hit her until there was only silence in her head instead of him….

The Silence that refuses to be silent.

A Friday afternoon, the Lake Michigan looked bluer and clearer after the rain through his window;One of those days when he wanted to shut-off from the world.He avoided all the invites of his friends and decided to stay back and finish “From Heaven Lake”, a read long pending …..

A distance away he saw a curly haired girl walking with a bunch of shopping bags and an umbrella; least bothered to catch the scarf that flew off from her ……h

The admiration he had for her in the past was still there within him, covered over now like a bandaged wound, not yet healed underneath and perhaps still easily reopened…….Did she even exist in any corner of the world….If only someone could tell ……

She was never still for even a second….
The hustle-bustle of the house would vanish when she was away….
Always pacing or talking with hands, never still, standing, sitting, he would find her forever in motion….
Maalavika …………..his Maalu chechi……
She was the prettiest thing he had ever seen……Long black curly hair, large eyes which always carried a twinkle…… Smart, so much that she never had to search text books to answer his questions…She never scolded him when he got down the dirt unlike his mom and aunts…
Forever smiling and giggling……….


A summer vacation without Maaluchechi…. he couldn’t even think of one…
She would act like boys did, shoot marbles, climb trees, flick grandpa’s keys and drive all the kids to the river side…… and if anybody said something which she did not like, she would go right after them, she didn’t even spare Grandpa, she wasn’t afraid….and that made her “The Hero” …she was his "Hero"…

A job so far away…..he didn’t know how far………..very far away they said……
She had called home before she left….

“Next time when I come there, I will take you and Meenu to Vega-land……and that’s a Maalavika promise…..Shhhhhhhhhh… don’t tell anyone, Pack your bag and be ready …alright…….” And he heard her giggle.

“But Maaluchechi……..Achan??”

“Ill get the permission…I have got a job now” giggles “ok…Shhhhhhh”

“When will you come?……… Will you come back soon??”…

There was a pause….and then she replied…“hmm…
lets say 2 years, when you finish your seventh exams ok…When our tree blooms ………….bye now…Maaluchechi has to go”

Bip bip bip…
And he was left dreaming about Vega Land and all the fun rides……

He received many yellow postcards from the school announcing his results and the date, the school would reopen….
Secretly he kept his bag packed to go to Vega land…..



Every vacation passed quietly there after ………
Still he hoped, smiling and giggling his Maaluchechi would come one day and take Meenu and him to all the fun rides he keeps watching on the television…

Once he got a reply from grandpa that he had disliked instantly when he enquired when Maaluchechi would come home- “she doesn’t have time to go meet her parents ,and you are dreaming about her coming here for a vacation; in this remote village…she will not come …… …” Grandpa had shook his head and laughed with tobacco in his mouth.
He had seen Veliyamma breaking into tears when Meenu once asked about Maaluchechi

As he grew he realised it wouldn’t be pretty if he tried to know about her……. He never asked anybody anything after that……

Everyone seemed to have forgotten Maaluchechi now;
Summers’ passed and the violet flowers bloomed …..…. reminding him of her; and a promise……

She would be somewhere, living on some heaven lake……he believed…..
He still kept her, he never had the heart to tell her not to be there…in that corner of his heart……………

“We have passed out of the town center and are in the residential outskirts. Small mud houses with walled compounds go past, a grape trellis flung over a courtyard, an occasional tall sunflower raising its head over a wall......”
he stopped reading; closed the book….
And walked towards the window ……

Was she alive somewhere in those mud houses……….if only someone could tell him……………