A Hundred Speculations....and more...

You ask me to pen again.... There is so much to say.
Words keep coming to me and bombarding, I fail to understand what they mean to me…
Memories that had been treasured passively is vivacious again..... It's like a door that had been closed for 10 winters’s creaked open.

You have been the only privacy of my life.
My feelings about and for you are the only things that I wanted to hide from the world, and this is why undoubtedly I had locked my words.
Illegitimate was the word for me with you….
And to those whom I believed knew, a smile wrapped with humility was all I could give in return.
I wanted to put down all the feelings into words dispassionately…I have whispered this under my breath a thousand times…and each time its like I am more confused than before…and all I could do was to hide away behind a mantle of silence…..donno when amidst that silence, I started finding solace-sitting at my little gilt desk and writing a few words from time to time….


Probably it was better to travel with hope than to arrive at the destination….
For Now, Nothing to me is really known.
Facts can all be denied, or manufactured by the million. There is no reality worth embracing…and for me at least, no embrace that is real…Even when I dream of you taking me into your strong arms, which is the safest place I know on this earth or the next world for that matter……..
I will always doubt the reality of truth or the falseness of lies, because so many of the lies that I have lived through have been the truth, and so many of the things that I pretended to myself to be real have been lies.
So virtually everything that I have shown to the world outside of my own private world has been what? False, Truth, I donno.

I have allowed no outsider to see even a part of what I, in my madness for privacy, know to be the truth of myself.
Have I, or am I such a mystery, to those who have tried to penetrate the bastions of my boorishly –protected privacy?
Silence-Doors they were, to hide myself from the dark embarrassment and guilt of past…of pain, of not being legitimate. But silence too overflows with thoughts…rather with words. Now I worry…if even my thoughts would be heard aloud.....
I would love to leave the subject in the air, which perhaps may be the most distasteful thing to do....But, where should I draw the line to my thoughts....
For, I have a hundred speculations…A hundred different things…

Amidst all this I know,I pray and I believe that I have your love, all tightly packed, warm and safe, all for me, for now and for a hundred more births….

making a long story short....

"It ended up being such a short conversation" ........
the thought as the footsteps increased between them.......
tears starting to gather in the eyes......

Sometimes you just longed desperately to detain somebody, needing their understanding, the warmth ,the friendship and the Love so much more.....

le plaisir de savoir........Sigh!!!

/

o

I'm Feeling Lucky !

I am in Love....Enough

Enough- to make everything Perfect

Enough- to make everything Right

Enough -to make everything Possible

I am in Love ....Enough

Maithili

Its been a while here...

No, it wasnt because of those scary blank moods...

Am busy...mortherhood,work, hobbies........yada yada yada...:)

what have I been doing ...well I enrolled myself to tanjore painting classes ...its been a dream come true...

Presenting "Maithili" whoz joy had no bounds when she recieved her beloveds ring while being captive in the hands of Raavana...

Its said Tanjore Paintings are usually the greatest narrators of the legends and the Gods of our ancient and glorious culture...whom do I potray being in the limits of tanjore painting rules was a big question...

Mam came up with Ganesha ,Lakshmi, Dashavathara and many more excellent pieces for me to choose.

But the rebel in me wanted to do a little different from the norm as always!....Thats when I saw the picture of Sita and I knew what I am gonna work on instantly.

Why Sita,

I picture her as a woman of substance...the woman, who was tough like a diamond and soft as lotus....

An adorable daughter who was beauty personified in and out.A loving wife who stood by her husband all times even when she was asked to proove her worth.The First single mother history ever had known who brought up her children all by herself wihtout any riches.A self esteemed lady who rejected her husband, when she was asked to reproove her worth to live with him after all her sacrifices.

She has been the most moving , most delicate character.. ...

It took nearly 6 months to complete the work...A big hug and love to amma and achan for taking care of Manu when I got restless to complete the work.

Even after not being so regular to the class I still managed to complete it!!!! thanks to Premalatha mam for her constant guidence and to Raji Aunty with her lovely smile for motivating and tolerating the ever nagging me!

.... plus a bunch of new friends ...Vishnu, Anitha, and ofcourse Mercy...you girls rock!

and to drop the curtain...Thanks hubby dear, for being there with a double thumbsup always...

and thanks for sponsoring the next project -the Radha Krishna ...and yeaaa I havent forgoten the driving class :) :)

Come again another day

It rained ...
Tiny dainty drops touched the earth and disappeared...
I ran down the stairs with an equally crazy friend at work to touch those first drops...laughter and giggles...
eyes protruded from around...what are you women up to!!!
We realised we had the choice of running up the terrace instead of coming down...
Choices are the most difficult decisions to ever make...

It continued to drizzle and we stood smiling....
Emotions extruded from the frozen frames of life here and there...rainz always like that ...takes me to some deep emotional territory...

Thank you for being so Kind ....

We walked back to the cubical...

How I was glad that the wet drops on my face could
be called raindrops...

Eyes - watch,stare,see nothing!

Dreams- the dearest, fell silent !

Mind - whispers, wait for now !

Shilly Shally Damselfly

The sunlight after the chill night felt like heaven, the power of that view was undeniable, I could see Central park spread out below me, dotted with people and trees, with their leaves turning orange and gold ....The stretch of high rises in the distance. Then the river, Then New Jersey...

He lives in New Jersey, I heard myself saying...........

Suddenly it felt like there was just me and the sadness, but even that did not feel heavy just then, it just felt there, like my nose, like the scar over my arm I got from picking at a chickenpox scab when I was seven.....Just another part of me.....

We adored each other once. I remembered it. I had a handful of mental pictures, postcards that had gotten soft around the edges from being handled so often...

The phone in the room rang...
“Your cab to airport will arrive in 15 min. Have a great morning” a women from the front desk announced.
“Sure..thanks much..good day “ I placed the receiver back and moved back to the window..

Mind wandered again....

We stared at each other .......I waited. I waited for an apology, an explanation, something that could make sense of whatever happened....Nothing came....After a moment of awkward silence he walked out of the room, and I was left alone, hoping this was a phase, a fling, a bad dream even.

No such luck.
The distance had arrived for good!

May be I should start thinking that these things happen to me because I am strong enough to take them....
I pulled the door and moved out to the reception

When was the last time I saw him, I tried to remember ....it was fall again..We had gone for a walk around the block, Half way back it had started to snow..Unexpectedly...
his first snow...
and we both stood, holding hands with our eyes shut and our mouths wide open, feeling the flakes like tiny wet kisses on our cheeks, long after everyone went inside.

I closed my eyes against the memory..

The cab barrelled down the New Jersey Turnpike at eighty miles an hour, right past the exit that would take me to his door...I tapped two of my fingers against the window as we sped past.
Hello and Good Bye!

Eighty Six!!!!

....God !!!dont you hate that....!!!The way even completly unrelated things remind you of something you are trying to forget!!!

Little Nothings....

I wish I was a little girl-

The kind whose parents still read stories to her at bed time...

and held hands when she crossed the streets...

Our pride..."Abhimaan"

He gives my days a rhythm and a purpose...

His smiles makes me feel every morning is a celebration....

What more should I say....

He rescued me ;Keeps me from being lonely....